Gracious Uncertainity

It was late Wednesday night, on April 29th, when I picked up a copy of Chambers, "Utmost for His Highest," in a desperate attempt for God to speak to me through it and/or give me a sign about my move to St.Thomas. I had been over at my mom's earlier that evening and was feeling such pressure and angst about moving and all of the uncertainties that came with it - what I would do to make money, where I would live, my car situation, and I couldn't figure out when to leave - June? August? I just felt overwhelmed when I got into my car to head home; I felt heavy. And that's when I began to talk to the Lord - outloud, mind you. "Dear God, please show me what to do! Please give me peace somehow. I know You don't always work this way, but if you could just give me some sort of a sign about this decision, I would really appreciate it. Help me to make a decision and have peace about it. And help me to trust that You will provide..."

I admit, I did feel a little better afterwards - as I always do after unloading on Him. But I can't say that I had "peace" yet. So, I dragged myself inside and started getting ready for bed - it was late and I was tired - but I thought, "You need to be in God's word if You really want Him to speak to you," and so "Utmost" came to my mind. I grabbed it off my bookshelf and opened it to the day (it's a yearly devotional), April 29th. This is what I read:

Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.


Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1 ), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

When I stopped reading, there was an unexplicable sense of peace that rushed over me and it hasn't left me sense. What can I say - it was one of those "God things," where I knew He was speaking directly to me. I felt like He was saying, "Honey, don't you worry. This journey is going to be filled with uncertainty, but that's part of the fun! You may not know HOW I will show up, but trust that I WILL, in fact, show up...and it'll blow your mind when I do! Remain faithful to me, first, and I will supply all your needs!" I felt like crying or jumping up and down with excitement, but instead, I just thanked Him...and shook my head in amazement at how much I still limit Him.

I am ridiculously excited to see what the Lord will do in my life over the next year and a half; what He will teach me, how He will refine me. I'm quite certain the growing pains will not always be fun, but I'm looking forward to the finished product. There is something so freeing about letting go of your worldly possessions, and starting anew with a blank canvas. Sure, there are moments when I begin to feel anxious about all the uncertainties that lie ahead, but I am reminded quickly that HOW He will provide may be uncertain but knowing that He WILL provide isn't. My job is to trust and obey - I'm confident He will take care of the rest!